In beginning to love myself, I took me out on my first date. I went to a pizza restaurant in Westwood. It was really dark, and my skin looked really good in the light. I glowed! But I was happy though, so I think you find your dates more attractive when they are happy. I looked into my eyes and said "Wow, youve got a dynamite smile. It just took me by surprise!" I was really impressed I would say something so nice and sincere to myself. I thought I knew myself by now, but who was I fooling it was my first date, and so many great things come out in romantic situations that I never would guess. I was a little grossed out when I licked my arm, I think it was trying way too hard to be sexy and just came off scary, but it also made me realize how cheap I really was because I think I was kinda turned on. I dont know for sure, its really hard for me to tell the difference between really creepy and hot sometimes, are they both the same? I like really manly men is what I found out, and I thought I was one for a long time, but after a while on my date I realized there was just something that wasnt there, and I think I lacked confidence and just couldnt find that spark that the guy who makes the paper towels, Bounty, he has it. I wanted to date myself forever, it hurts so much to watch my chance slip off of my powdered fingers, after all this time of just lying around and thinking about what it would be like if it finally happened, and then it did. It was so great for a little bit, its just so strange how attraction, works, is it really this fragile, so fast. So so fast. I was so fucking hot for this for months, and I just cant, I hate it so much. I want to yell at you, but I dont want to mess up things worse then they are, I still want something between us, I dont know if I can be my friend now though. I was really going to love myself this time, but I dont think I am ready after all I have been through with me, all the years of crap and no break. But this is not what Im going to tell people, fuck it! I love me and Im the only person I need! Thats all. I need to find a job. Ok stay calm a bit please. Were here to have a good time and thats what were going to do. You are not here alone, you are here with you as a separate person, and you are able to fully accept that, as a mature adult, who has feelings that are real and should be acknowledge by others, and myself. I make some really great conversation and I think I was doing pretty good at being my friend for a bit, but then all of a sudden I take my shoe off and slide it into my crotch and everyone is staring, and I felt so put out. That was the wrong thing to do, but I had to try. I knew I found myself attractive or I wouldnt be out with me in the first place. I just didnt think I was being aggressive enough on either side as a date or a dater. So I thought if I stepped up the intensity a bit I would seem more exciting. I knew that on some level I enjoyed getting bad, but maybe this was too bad, and right when I didnt want it too. I could tell how turned off I was, I just looked disgusted. I couldnt eat I was so upset, but I was too nervous to eat before anyway, I hated to let the food go to waste, so I had them box it up. I just wanted to go home now, I cant believe I ended up letting myself spend the night though. I just really wanted someone to be there, so I didnt have to be alone, and sorta guilted my way into it. I think I needed this though too, but I think it was still not the right time. I just wasnt ready, I thought I was but I wasnt. So things ended up happening that shouldnt have, but I had wanted to before, and now I dont know. So I lied in bed silent, and just wanted myself to say anything, it was worse then getting dumped, this was being totally shut out. I cant think of anything to say, so I just say some stuff that I know made me happy earlier, "dynamite smile" and whatnot, but it didnt work this time. Its just hard I think not to judge myself unfairly, and I just assume that Im going to be how the rest of the people who dated me are, but I have such a great way of accepting people, and loyalty, that I think I would be way better to myself then all of the people who hurt me all though the years. I just dont know how the spark was there and then its gone, its not like that for me, Im not like that with anyone, if I like someone I like them no matter what. I dont judge them if they are desperate, or get fat, or like crappy music. I like myself for who I am, and as my date I cant find a single flaw with myself. All of the little things that I thought got to me about all the other girls I dated just seemed to disappear in me when Im around. Even better then me being scared of me, the person Im attracted to, is the knowledge that I have that Im glad the people who are attracted to me are scared of me.

And Then Summer Started:

It was Wednesday, the 3^rd day of the summer. I slept through the first two days. It was hard to sleep through 2 straight days, I wasnt that tired, and laying down that long really made my body hurt. So I had to really want it. I did, and now I can regret everything that I could have done on those days that I was out, that I have prompted everyone to tell me were liberating, and that they were able to free themselves from the systems in place that control human consciousness. That was my idea. I always now make sure that if I think of something and feel strongly about it, I know I would be remiss if I didnt act naturally and live out either my free will, or destiny thats end product is my ultimate happiness. I was having my picture taken at a friends house, when we decided to all quit our jobs, and I realized I couldnt really smile. Smiling has nothing to do with any real happiness, but I couldnt even make myself appear happy. There is nothing wrong with that though. Its all ok, every second is perfect. Today we are going to the beach, its time for it.

I have had a dream about the beach, which is really why I want to go. I am on the wrong coast for it to happen though, I think the water looks like its on the other side of the land. It starts out with a really cute blond girl chasing me through one of the old 60s looking time share hotels that are common near Deerfield Beach in southern Florida. Blondes arent really my type, but I am in love with this girl. We just sort of stumble around down the ramps, almost like we cant walk strait or stand easily, so we just laugh and keep falling on each other, very slowly until we are down to the beach. That is part one, it was nice. Part two also involves girls who are very beautiful and we get to the beach, and we are great friends, and you can tell we are some sort of trio, and really love each other. We take our clothes off when we get to a spot that is surrounded a bit by rocks and has warmish sand that feels cool sometimes, we take them off really slowly and were watching each other while we are, and we are all thinking and feeling the same thing, so were thinking like a boy., because thats how I must have been thinking. I think weve known each other as long as we have been alive, and I had flashes of apartments we have lived in, and Halloweens we spent together wearing the same costume and us together in what looked like our bedroom lying on the sofa kissing and watching TV with little light. I dont think we were related, we were just very close and shared everything, exactly the same. Our clothes just ended up being on in parts again after we undressed, I would take off my shirt and I would be wearing my pants again, one of the girls would take off her pants, and then her pants would be back on, only to take them off again? One of the girls touched my stomach with her hand and it went like a switch from day to night, and as we started to run along the beach it kept shifting back and forth from day to night. Out of the ocean, as we ran, came only what I can describe as really friendly goats walking up the beach as we ran by them. We stop to notice them and then a cute plastic octopus came out of the ocean, and then it grew very large very fast. Lightning struck on both sides of it repeatedly, made incredibly visible when it would switch to the umbra colored sky. He breathed fire, and then a misty cloud that caught my foot and turned it to metal. His metal breath did not smell bad though. Also as a quick side note Super Mario Bros. Goombas ran along the beach. I know either dream isnt very likely to happen, especially since there are elements of history and time involved, but I just hope if I can go to the same place where they take place and make as much of it as I can happen, my dreams will come and suck away all of the life I have lived and replace it with themselves, making it so they were what I have always lived.

I had previously lived in an apartment where most of the residents were young, and they lived like animals. I couldnt stand to watch the elevator vandals destroy one of the few things I really liked about where I lived. You name it and they did it to this poor elevator, if I was this elevator they would have done this to me too, I was luckily safe inside my apartment and didnt live in an elevator shaft. The elevator was on its last legs, I could hear it cry almost. There is no reason to ever kill anyone, but no one had ever told me about elevator vandals before either, so maybe people didnt know that it was ok to kill them. I didnt have anyone to talk this over with, so I would have to assume that contextually this could easily be added to what has become an already confused culture. Actually this was all an afterthought, I just really wanted to kill the elevator so it could be put to rest, its been in service since well before my mom lived here over 25 years ago. There would be some people who would be shocked by having to used the stairs, but they are currently much faster then the elevator, but they will also be happy when they get to use a brand new elevator that they will take great pride in, and have a renewed appreciation for, after a period of several weeks of having to used the stairs. So I put an out of order sign on every floor, and spend some time alone in the elevator, Ive never been in an elevator with the assurance that no one was going to get in. It would have been a good time to have sex with someone, but I dont think thats a very fitting way to say goodbye after a long time of dedicated service. How would your father like it after working for over 35 years on the same job, at his work retirement party a couple of kids had sex on him. Well I think it would depend on the father and his mood, but I just dont think this is this elevators style. Also I considered this elevator very ill, and I dont think any ill person wants anyone doing it on them, no matter how hot they are. Anyway I cut the cables and it dropped, and I poured booze and gummy bears all over myself and pretended to be passed out in the court yard so I wouldnt be suspected. It worked I think, some of the stupid kids from the building walked by and said "this dude smells like cheap liquor and gummy bears all the time, wow! Hes fuckin covered in em doood!! I found out the next day that some quote-unquote "college students" snuck into the bottom of the elevator shaft to smoke some pot because they thought the elevator was out of service. They just needed to wait a little longer before they got into an elevator shaft that said out of service, its like what my new neighbors say impatience kills.

I did manage to find time to look for a new place to live before I murdered college students. I found a nice one bedroom at a retirement village just down the street on Overland. Its nice to not have young people around to judge you, old people opinions are bitter about everything and I dont really feel like I care to win their approval or impress any of them. I have lowered my standards to meet the common practices of my new community, I piss myself in bed a lot.

Being poor I find it hard to go anywhere, and make it anywhere on time. Its just harder to organize I think when you have to struggle to take care of all of the manual details of every second of life.

We live and sometimes feel good. But today I only go to the beach.

I invited some of my neighbors to a beach party we were having, they were very old, like 70s or 80s. They were pretty tough though, they seemed like they had enough energy to live at least 5 or ten years more. I wanted to test them to see how much they have grown over their lives and learned about dealing with people, and how strong their hearts are. I only want to see to make sure there is something for me to look forward to, just feeling ok with other people and really being with them when I am. So I told them I was having a party to get to know them better, it was a nice thing to offer, I heard myself saying it and it sounded really good. They looked like they were equally impressed that someone so young and hip would take an interest in them, I am sure they were tired of talking to old people too, I know I was getting tired of it. But at least they were neat and didnt break shit on purpose. But the college kids never pissed themselves while playing pool in the community room. When they showed up I tried to offer them drinks, but they acted too good for the keg. Besides the old people, the rest of the guests were ladies I was really trying hard to put the moves on, like 3 of them. I told the girls whatever they do not to talk to the old people and see what they do, but they said they didnt want to talk to them anyway. We tried to appear to have a great time, and we made loud jokes about breaking our hips in the shower, and looking old and depressed. Only one of them started to cry the other two just looked pissed so I feel guilty, and have an anxiety attack, I get sleepy really fast and start to pass out. I wake up and Im in the middle of having sex the oldest lady there, who I had previously made cry. This makes me feel better, now I feel like she must forgive me and like me a lot again. I dont want to be rude, but this is the most boring old lady sex Ive ever had, and I want to somehow push her off and go home. So I do, and go home. I thought that most old people didnt really want to have sex anymore, and women as well dont seem like they are really excited to get it on, so it was really a surprise how into it this old lady really seemed.

I live with pornographers who are also black market diamond re-sellers. I make it back, and they are in the middle of a production, so I try to whisper as a courtesy to all those who will be jacking off in the future while watching this document of my room-mates girlfriend slamming his balls in the refrigerator door over and over again. I am very hungry and discretely grab the mayo out of the door to make a sandwhich, I couldnt tell if the camera was on me during the shot, but I grabbed my crotch when I reached for the mustard just in case. At the end of the film, they each hold up signs so they had credit for making the film, and I noticed my roommates name was Lyle Bronson. I wondered if that was real or just for porn, I should have asked him before what to call him, but now were living together it seems a bit strange to just now ask him his name, and I waited to read the card with his girlfriends name on it, but I couldnt wait for the cum shot to end to see it, I had to go and enjoy my sandwich. One of them works at Zales jewelers, and when they do appraisals they sometimes switch your diamonds with zircon, she was pissed. She watched peoples jewels stolen all day and they had no clue. They they they!!! Argghehagagga!!!!!! The Zales jewelers also make diamonds now, and no longer bother to dig them up. They are able to make as many as they want whenever they want to, thus eliminating the scarcity and precious nature of the diamond. She was mad about this too. I became mad when I heard about it, and when I told some family and friends on various occasions they were mad about it to. I spoke on most of our behalf and told her it would be alright to steal only diamonds from these people, but one day she stole coffee too from the supply cabinet and I was mad again. I hate that they sell you love, and you have to buy it diamonds. I think its De Beers actually that is responsible for manufacturing the diamonds, but that says something about love and its new nature I think. A diamond used to be rare and unique and if you had one it was special, I dont know exactly how but people always say like oh this is special like a diamond, and if you are a diamond you are someone to hang on to. But now all diamonds are made flawless and perfect, and only old "real" diamonds have flaws. I have flaws so I must be old, and thus I fit into the equation of new love somehow. Now if you find a diamond in a store that was made perfect and you decide that its not in someway, you dont have to worry about keeping it, you can throw it away, if you have enough money that is, and buy another one to replace it. Many things in life are about replacement, many things you will use will need replaced. One day I will even need to be replaced. Now that a new perfect diamond version of me can take my place I will not be sad or worry about that. You are not supposed to be sad about replacement, because its end result is happiness and satisfaction and keeping everything going and running smoothly. Would you want to have the same dream every night, of course not you would want to replace them with new dreams as much as possible. I will not make anyone have my dream more then once, they will miss it when its gone because it will be more perfect then any dream Ive ever been given. They will try really hard to remember it all and write it down, but I will make sure it is so beautiful that they will be scared and try too hard to remember it, so they cant think of it perfectly any more, making its memory all the more fond and enjoyable.

"A Mothers Confession To A Dying Bride"

Once upon a time there was a mother who loved her daughter very much, and she did her best to take care of her. They lived in a very pretty house, and didnt have many people around them. They were happy, and lived life in the easiest possible ways they could. One day the mother had to leave the daughter for a trip, and it came at a very bad time. It was the daughters 13^th birthday, and she would have to spend it alone. This is the first time she had ever been alone, let alone on a birthday. The mother had to leave for 5 months for unspecified reasons. The daughter accepted that the mother had to go, and didnt want her to feel bad about leaving her alone on her birthday. Not only was the daughter sad, but she was very scared, and didnt know if she would be able to survive until she got back. She hoped she would. After a few days, she met a man. He delivered her mail, and was coincidentally 13 years old as well, and he just had his birthday. He had been eating a piece of a very large cake that was given to him as a present each day for lunch. When the daughter had filled him in on her situation he felt sad for her and gave her his piece of cake. He didnt have a candle for her so he stuck his master key to the mailboxes on top, and told her to make a wish. He said that if she blew the key off the cake, her wish would come true. He asked her what she wished, knowing he was breaking the rules of birthday wishes, but he had to know. She told him, that she wished that she was married to a boy who was sweet enough to give her his lunch to make her feel better. She knew how hard it must be to deliver mail all day long and how horrible she would feel if she didnt have lunch. So she asked him if he wanted her to make him a sandwich. He accepted, and they went into her kitchen, but he thought it was very strange she opened up the freezer instead of the fridge side. He said "What are you going to do, make me an ice cream sandwich, haha? She was going to, so she felt awkward, it made her self-conscious. She had thought he enjoyed desert as much as she did, seeing as though he had brought cake for his lunch. He told her that he was sorry and that if he was home that is what he would make, and that he wasnt sure and just didnt know what to say. They kissed, and then they went and got married within the hour. They spent all but the first two days of the 5 months together while her mother was gone. They ate desert for every meal because neither of them wanted to risk hurting the other ones feelings. A sad thing then happened. The daughter had a low tolerance for sugar and she found out the hard way that she was diabetic. The mailman rushes her to the hospital on his mail cart, and they are able to revive her and give her pills to manage her disease. The mother then returned home reluctant to tell her the news from her trip and explain why she had to leave. She had fallen in love with a man that she was related to and she had to leave to be with him as he finished working on the Hoover Dam, and she wanted to merry him, and she said that she just came back to say goodbye. The Mother said "I just couldnt trust you to love me anymore, you had just turned 13 and I realized that one day you were going to leave me, and you would merry a man and you would love him more then me. I decided that I couldnt bear to sit back and wait for it to happen, so I had to force it. I paid your new husband to merry you, but he told me that he would fall completely in love with you and make you most important to him in the whole world, no matter what. I have bought for you what no one would do for me. It is just too hard to love me now, and I know that, and my love for you makes me hurt when I think of how hard it must be for you. The man I have chosen is very wonderful, it is not like a movie, it is not a lie, it is very real, but I will not leave him, not even for a second now. I want you to only know the memory of our love and not have to feel what it was going to become, ruined and not perfect as when it was only us and the world had still left us alone." The Daughter said "But mother, all of these things that are going to happen are separate from us, and no matter what happens to me I will still love you just as much as I ever have, it will not change. It may become deluded and obscured from vision but on some level I am the same person that I was the day you left me on my birthday, and no matter how hard you push me away there are some things that we will always share that no one can touch. The mother said "But they are the past, we have nothing now, we are just people who see each other because of something we both once felt and the titles that bind us together. You will visit out of obligation, you will wear your little duck costume and run up and down the fields of Stone Mountain Park flying kites with me while you watch me eat because of guilt. I will tell you hear and now that there is a secret (mother makes up a horrible lie just to try and hurt the daughter) I am not your real mother!!! I stole you from a mall in Florida when you were two. Your real mom was a nice lady who was shopping for large shoes, so that is why you have big feet."

One Pagan Summer 2

I work in a surf shop, and I sell surf boards. There are many pretty girls who come in to the store and buy all sorts of surf related merchandise. There is the biggest beach party of the year that my surf shop is sponsoring, it is held on the beach right out in front of the shop. Ive been running a fever today, so I hope that I dont feel too bad to go to the party. I am a professional surfer, but it will take me a few years to get to where I can do it full time. There is a crisis, but everyone is making it worse, I have been dumped for the second time. All I have learned is never go out with a girl who loves The Cure, I love The Cure, but girls get messed up by Roberts songs and want to kill any one who ever will love them. They will say after they dump you that they want to be your friend, but all they want is to write it down on a piece of paper that you love them, they will put it in their purse, and content with their conquest you will drift away from each other. "I would hide neath the wings of the bluebird as he sings..." I love to say that, I fucking love he says neath. Some guy came into the surf shop today, and has never surfed before, so I helped him find a board and some stuff to go surfing with his bros. When I was handing him his receipt for $1000, he asked me if I liked girls, he and his friends looked at each other and laughed a bit. And I thought about it for a few seconds and I tell him No. I at this point think I am a woman hater. I am angrier and hurt more people then bon jovi. Or is that girls, and not me. HA ha haha. Oh, I only make jokes.

The main character is now a magical space pony, who is treated like normal people. His name is Roo.

Coming down from upstairs is Roo, its been a long night, he was out in the shity part of the valley hanging with some friends in a parking lot, he didnt go to do drugs though, he is a good guy that everyone likes. The hall is dark, not much light gets through the windows of his house in the morning, his mom and dad are late for work but trots down the stairs just in time to say good bye and have a bowl of cereal with them. He is concerned when he hears his dad cough:

Dad: Hey Roo its just a cough. This house is old, I think Ive got some allergies from the carpet that we had put in here back in the early 80s.

Mom: Maybe its the furniture, we should get it stream cleaned, since weve given away the dogs (both family members stare at roo) we havent had it cleaned yet. You spill too much when you eat daddy anyway.

Dad coughs until hes in a coma like state, and the family hears a voice.

Voice: I have taken your loved one into custody until you can perform the tasks on my Negative Scavenger Hunt. You will do these things or he will not be given back to you. I like him more then you do anyway. You have two days.

Dad: 47 Hours 59 Minutes and 57 seconds, 47 Hours 59 Minutes 50 seconds

Mom: Why us? I dont understand, we are the best to everyone. Good people! Good Good people! This is a crappy thing to happen this summer. Roo help him!

Roo: This list seems like things you shouldnt do, they almost seem like Pagan activities.

Mom: You have to perform them, you have magic, youre a space pony. We understand you are doing these things to save your father.

Roo: But eating babies?

Mom: I dont care if you have to eat 10,000 babies, just get your father back, youre magical you can just cast a spell on yourself and be fine afterwards.

Roo: It doesnt work like that.

Mom: Well why dont you whip up some realistic marshmallow babies that will trick the voice into thinking you ate the babies.

Voice: No Marshmallow Babies! I will put you all in fucking comas unless you play fair ya know.

Roo trots over to his cereal troff and eats. Still high from all of the drugs he took in the parking lot last night, he completely hallucinated the whole situation with the voice and Dad. He sadly crys and wonders if he should do the things on the list or if maybe the voice will just turn his dad free if he likes him so much.

Mom: Why dont you get a job so you can take Jasmine to the prom?

Roo: I dont think I can work, its too hard for me to think straight, you dont know what its like to have magic, it completely rules you sometimes.

Mom: How about just getting a job down at Pier One, I hear they are hiring from larry caruthers, they have always liked you, I remember what nice things they said about you when we were picking out napkin rings.

Roo: I dont really think they like me that much, I mean they are nice to everyone. I dont think I can lift the boxes because I need to have surgery still, I dont want to make it worse. I dont think Jasmine wants me to ask her anyway. She doesnt know how much shes hurt me, she doesnt ask me to hang out with her on the weekends anymore, she just sees me once every couple of weeks when she is bored off her ass midweek calls me and wants to see a movie. Ill even call her near the weekend and she doesnt invite me to go out with her even if I ask her what she is doing.

Mom: I think you are maybe just worrying too much.

Roo: She is a very sweet girl but I dont know if I can take how she pushes me away. I called her and cried on the phone the other night telling her what an important friend she was and how much I needed her right now, and I even asked her out the next night to see a movie, but she blew me off for two weeks, she didnt even call to make sure I was ok, when she knew how bad I was hurting. Why didnt she call. I love her so much how can she not love me. She doesnt make plans with me anymore for concerts, she wont even tell me what bands she is going to see. I just want her to be a good friend and she wont even be that. I told her that I felt she was drifting away that night from being my bestfriend and she said "whats with the labels, why do we have to label what we are." I remember it was even her who said originally that we were best friends several times, and now she has forgotten or is pretending not to remember. I hate it I just want to explode out of my pony skin, I dont want to have to watch her drift away and not like me anymore, I cant stand to watch this happen again. I will see the movies that came out while we were dating show up on video, and then they will end up on cable and then they will show them on network television and it will all be so far away that I can never get it back. I cant stand, I just want to tell her that I hate her forever, that she has done this, she has made up her mind about me and there is nothing I can do to change it. Why the fuck did she ever like me at all.

Mom: Maybe its because you are a magic pony, we raised you like you were a normal boy, do you think that caused you problems.

Roo: I dont know, I think everyone treats me like Im a magic pony sometimes and not like a "real" person.

Mom: But you saved Jasmines life when you took that bullet and changed it into a cupcake when the school terrorists shooting kids took over, you saved everyone that day, and they all ate and enjoyed your magic cupcakes very much. They have no sense of gratitude then.